Since relocating to the Virgin Islands, my human body image issues have moved themselves from my tiny, skinny-white-girl tits to mine flat, skinny-white-girl ass.

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Although, last time i checked, men prefer bacon over antiquated timepieces.

“Why?,” you ask.

Because Caribbean women have beautiful curves, asses gift prized over tits. I, unfortunately, have actually neither. Mine mom has actually both, but rather than inheriting her body type, my shape most closely resembles the long, lean structure of mine Grandpa Hank.

This wouldn’t it is in so bad, if I additionally didn’t have actually what mine bitchy brother troy (may he remainder in peace) gleefully referred to as, “the birthing hips that a peasant. Girlfriend look like you could squat under in the corner, push out a baby, and also keep on functioning ’til sundown.” That, and also every ounce of fat retained settles in mine stomach. Overall, the mix makes because that a silhouette that’s less like an hourglass and an ext like a piece of bacon. The was explained to me that West Indian men, unlike their white stateside counterparts, appreciate a woman that “tick.” as in, “thick.” down here, get too skinny, and also you look like, “you ailing or on crack.” In mine case, gaining weight just results in a rounder belly, while mine T and A preserve their modest proportions.

A mainly after showing up on St. Thomas, while waiting for my mother in (naturally) a downtown bar, I happened to catch a TV commercial because that butt-boosting panties. Now, I’ve had an intimate relationship with shape-enhancing bras for practically two decades, however I need to admit the idea of padding mine ass to much more thoroughly fill the end my pants had never before occurred. This advertisement promised the a couple of strategically-placed shoulder pads in between your cheeks and also jeans room all that’s required to create a curve to it is in admired. Prior to the clues ended, one patron said, for everyone’s benefit, “We absolutely don’t need those in the Virgin Islands.” every locals in the bar, white and black alike, responded with an insider’s chuckle.


Looks choose sweaty buns come me.

Growing up a Midwestern white girl in the 90’s, I never thought I essential a shapely ass to be taken into consideration attractive. Ns was far much more concerned with my face, boobs, and waistline to ever give much thought to mine derriere. This, of course, was before the regime of J. Lo, Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, and Nikki Minaj.

The beauty symbols I remember many from my developmental years were Christy Brinkley, Paula Abdul, Madonna, and also the chicks on saved By the Bell and also 90210. And also while Janet Jackson is rumored to have actually an ass, she will certainly surely never win any kind of awards because that embracing she beautiful, black, and bootylicious heritage. Also Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s classic anthem Baby obtained Back didn’t conjure any kind of insecure feelings around the high quality of my ass; i was rather happy come look choose the music video’s lank spoof the Cindy Crawford ~ above the sheathe of Cosmo, say thanks to you very much.


Tell me the fabric and angle don’t have actually something to do with this shot.


No curves, but look at the beautiful face and nice slim waistline!

When i was eight, my parents made me take it golf lessons, arranging a carpool through a couple boys from the neighborhood I didn’t yes, really know. Halfway through the course, they decided not to like me. Ns knew this due to the fact that they called me, “Mrs. Large Butt,” when it to be my turn to exercise chipping in former of the whole class. The general public embarrassment chafed, but in retrospect, it’s quite funny. Not only due to the fact that yours truly took golf lessons, but much more so the my butt could ever be defined as big. They might also have called me Mrs. No nostrils or Mrs. Blue Chin for the incisive high quality of their insult.

In those days, mine back-end to be far more often classified as a “bony butt,” if ever I were to sit ~ above a lap. Honestly, ns wasn’t clear precisely what was expected by the term, “bony butt.” It to be just part of the boy vernacular ago then. Ns didn’t necessarily think of it as an insult. An ext just a description. And also at that allude in time, I’d have actually taken, “bony butt” over, “fat ass” any kind of day.

It didn’t occur to me that I can have a difficulty until the summer after ~ my freshman year in college. In ~ a work event in my hometown, i observed that one of the local organization owners— a thin, attractive woman approximately 50— had actually absolutely no ass. Native the front, she was rather pleasant to behold. However, indigenous the side and back, ns couldn’t help but notice that what should have actually been she ass simply blended in v her lower back and her top thighs. At that moment, the horrifying insight struck, that unless I might somehow stave it off with exercise, this would also be the physics trajectory of my backside.


‘Spose she’s wearing prey Pops just for sport? i mean, how do you even account for this?


Yoga-and-dance-toned-but still-pretty- flat white girl ass.

Fast front a decade, and my prediction seems to be coming a reality. Except, ns do have it top top authority the one year after moving here, mine ass was noticeably more tough than ever before. And also that was simply from wade the stairs/slight incline everyday from the Waterfront coffee shop wherein I operated to government Hill where I parked mine car.

When I relocated to St. John and started wade Hershey up hills the feel vertical, I believed for certain my ass would benefit greatly. And while no damage has occurred, the exercise definitely hasn’t detailed any lift or curve. Sure, you can bounce a 4 minutes 1 off mine ass, yet it tho looks broad and flat in numerous outfits. I have actually no love handle to speak of, however from the rear and the side, my lower ago runs straight into the peak of mine ass. Thankfully, over there yet remains a not unlovely curve on the bottom half of my white girl booty.

One the my favorite things about West indians is the frankness v which castle converse about body types. It’s a topic for an additional day, however I call you the to tell friend this. One night numerous months ago, i was dining in a Cruz just bar, and also had occasion to catch-up a charming larger island gentleman. We’d bonded end the food of a couple of evenings the previous holiday season, and also I hadn’t checked out him since. He spent a good chunk the the conversation complimenting me, extolling mine beauty, intellect, wit, and also character. It was yes, really a little too much, yet I feel pretty great about myself by the moment I had actually to go home. I descended the bar stool, got my purse, and turned around to bid the gentleman adieu.

He inserted my hand gently in between both the his, looked right into my eyes, and also said with actual sincerity, “I couldn’t aid but an alert that your ass is really flat. The tells me girlfriend sittin’ too much. You must work on that.”

What come do yet thank that for discussing this area needing improvement and assure him the I’m currently seeking a solution.


Rumor is its surgically-enhanced, however who cares, this woman can turn a average phrase and do crazy points with she voice.

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She was an alleged to be my “brunette native Minnesota” function model?

Can anything it is in done because that a girl favor me? my vanity screams because that a readjust in course prior to the case worsens. Especially if I continue living in the land of luscious curves— the West Indian and Dominicano women v their ba-dunk-a-dunks, are a consistent reminder of my ba-dink-a-dink.

Surgery is the end of the question, however surely there need to be some fitness enthusiasts reading who can offer advice on just how to give a healthy boost to my small ass indigenous the prairie. Consider your intake solicited.